By the time tomorrow is over, one way the other we will have a new President in the U.S. And perhaps, like me you’ve tried and failed to curtail your media intake. Election fatigue has likely touched you in someway. It's funny, and it's not—the way in which we seem to be slogging through a collective PTSD experience. How could we not? It's the current function of our political system to decipher the right word combinations to set off emotional landmines, triggering our psyches, our vulnerable places, tapping into our values and motivations for the purpose swaying our votes. Unfortunately for us, most of the focus of this entire election has been a constant stimulation of our fears. Who isn't tired of having their buttons pushed deliberately? Personally, I can't wait for this whole bad reality show to be over.
 
Which is why today I determinedly take a stand for love in the face of fear. What ever challenges lay ahead, I vote for love.
 
Perhaps it's feisty stubbornness, a tenacity of spirit that makes me unwilling to give up hope on the future. Subverting our values via fear positions us as opponents staunchly attached to a point view, where which ever candidate wins, we all lose something more precious and vital to our continued survival: our connection to each other. 
 
We know how to do fear. Like many of my generation, I fed on a diet of fear in my youth. Fear of rejection, fear of physical harm, fear of the end of the world, fear of others and fear of not being enough – not knowing my voice mattered. And as familiar as this terrain may be, in all honesty, it feels pretty shitty, so why choose it?
 
As human animals, our brains are wired to anticipate and react to fear, to protect ourselves against threats,  guaranteeing the continuation of our species. It's our ancient "negativity bias" that's kept us from becoming prey and to be on the look out for unforeseen dangers. On the flipside, intrinsically we also know how to love. It's that feeling that comes naturally when looking into an infant’s eyes, or holding any newborn life in your hands. We have the capacity to love unconditionally and without reason. It's equally important to recognize the goodness of our nature, soften to the heart’s wisdom, as it knows how to choose what feels best. Love is the most powerful antidote to fear and it is ours to use.
 
Working with clients as a transformational life coach, I often hear different versions of fear playing out through their lives. It's given me some perspective on core internal challenges most of us face on the path to self-awareness crucial for evolution. Our fears make us easy targets for the kind of manipulation both candidates and the media have used in excess. No matter which side of the fence you sit on, I doubt that you've been able to avoid the impact of specifically charged words directed at the soft-underbelly of your being.
 
Despite the discomforting ugliness of the issues we must address as a country, and electing the next person to govern it, we have a bigger choice to vote upon. Fear or love? What motivation do you want to live by? Harness the awareness your conscious mind–it’s your personal super-power. Turn the tables on fear and call forward all the love you possess. Vote from your heart. Drop fear like the toxic thing it is and dig into the deep resources of your best self. Love what you love: your children, this planet, the truth, God/the Divine, your neighbors, your family, yourself. Like Michael Franti says, “love needs us" (click here for video).
 
So please, go out and love someone today. Generate the energy you want to live in. There’s so many opportunities to practice loving: from the person behind the counter who needs some appreciation, the guy on the street in want of your smile, the woman next to you in line looking stressed out, to your pet, your partner, your own tender heart — you might even like how it feels. BE LOVE and vote with your being. It’s your right.

Isn’t it about time we opened the door to one of the last taboo topics? These days we can openly discuss everything else. Our sexual exploits, children’s toilet training and family secrets are all fair game for talk shows and dinner conversation. So what’s up with our resistance to talking about death? I mean, every BODY does it.

Somewhere, once upon a time in our cultural training, the subject of death became taboo. Was it because we grew frightened by the mystery of what lies beyond our physical plain? Did we turn away from the pain of knowing our own human frailty? What makes us get all squirmy at the thought of our inevitable demise?

In the past months I’ve been living with the proximity of death as I’ve watched my mother’s slow decline from lung cancer. It’s stripped away all pretense, leaving raw exposed nerves and a determination to not shy away. She’s always been a teacher, not only by profession but by default, through her own unintended impacts. I have witnessed what it means to suffer regret as she's struggled to reconcile her past and her unmet longings.

Thru this experience I've learned, that when all is said and done, we and we alone are responsible for our own happiness. No one else can make us happy, because no one else was ever meant to. Taking responsibility for our life gives us freedom of choice, and this is where grace can be found. While sitting with the discomfort of this new awareness, I've looked in the mirror and asked, “so what must I do before I die”? Gently and honestly I've taken stock of my life thus far. How do I want to be remembered? If I were to die tomorrow, what legacy do I want have left behind?

What does it take to live a life that leads to a peaceful death? By asking these questions with compassion and wide-eyed curiosity, we discover new clues to a joyful existence. For the sake of a life well lived, you are welcome to join the conversation. I’ll be hosting a Sonoma County Death Salon through MeetUp, starting Wednesday night, April 23 at 6:30 in Santa Rosa. I invite you to open the closet door with me and take a peek inside. CLICK HERE for more info. Or share your comments below.

The first thing you notice about being stuck is that it’s about as satisfying as chasing your tail–it gets old fast and makes you dizzy. Typically it means that your mind has gone into a spin cycle where any new options are undone before you can even see where they might go. It’s like there is an internal toddler running the show saying, “I can’t, “it won’t ever change”, “I messed up”, or no, “I don’t want to”. It happens to the best of us and when it does, it’s the best in us we loose sight of.

Trying to ignore the whining of your dissatisfaction inadvertently leads shutting down the wiser part of yourself. Finally as you hit the wall of discomfort, an alarm sounds that change must occur. At this point it may feel like you have no other choice. The game just isn't fun any more.

So hit the pause button on the spin cycle for a moment and take a breath. You don't have to be stuck running in circles. The key is in knowing you have the ability to make choices BEFORE you hit the wall. Whether consciously or not, both the big and small choices you make everyday impact what you experience. Life doesn’t really just happen to you, it’s what you create. Once you get past truth of the cliché, it can be tremendously empowering. Begin noticing what your beliefs are and ask yourself if they are serving you? What do you want to choose instead?  What supports your happiness and fulfillment? I’ve heard it said that choice = responsibility = power. And that’s where life gets really interesting. You start looking at what's ahead instead of what’s behind you. 

Neural changes happen when we shift our thought patterns. What’s amazing is that your brain actually creates new pathways for thinking, and the same old, same old ain’t the same no more. Start by learning to recognize what ways negative thinking keeps you repeating choices that don't serve you. Then ask yourself what thoughts would be more useful and try them on for size.


“Using the power of focused attention, along with the ability to apply commitment, hard work and dedication, to direct your choices and actions, you can thereby rewire your brain to work for you and with your true self. “

By Ann C.Holm, MS ACC CCC.
Re-posted from post on Thursday, March 21, 2013 by International Coach Federation

Your brain changes all of the time. What was once described merely as learning now has a neuro- label: neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is notion that mental experiences and mindfulness can change the actual structure and function of the brain. The idea of neuroplasticity is good news because it means we can change and grow up until our very last days of existence. It can also be bad news if we don’t attempt to direct our brain toward experiences that will change our brain for the better.

There are at least three ways that the neuroplasticity process occurs:

One way neuroplastic change can take place, is when some sort of dampening down of the usual mind map occurs. So for example, if you were going to learn a new language, you would do well to eliminate as much use of the native language as possible so the new language can build resilient neuro-connections in the brain. The brain doesn’t like competing stimuli. That is why language immersion programs seem to work. Basically you direct your efforts toward a new behavior while resisting the use of an old, competing behavior.

Another way is to bring about can bring about neuroplastic changes in the brain is a mindful, goal-directed approach. Either through self-driven intent or the external guidance, the brain can adapt to the demands placed upon it. The result is resilient change. An example of this would be setting goals around becoming a more effective networker.  Ultimately networking begins to feel more natural because you have deliberately pushed yourself through the learning process via goal setting and the motivation to embrace the process of learning. Your brain changes as a result of this.

Finally, changes can take place in the brain as a result of passive learning experiences. This can either be positive or negative depending on what you are exposed to, but it is generally not goal directed or mindful. Human beings have a tendency to adapt to their current environment, whether positive or negative. It’s probably built into us for reasons of survival.  Unfortunately, this tendency can also derail us from our goals unless we deliberately pay attention to our environment. Are we surrounding ourselves by stimuli that support our vision?

I recently came across the term Self-Directed Neruoplasticity (You Are Not Your Brain, Jeffrey Schwartz 2011).  The author describes the term in this way:

“Using the power of focused attention, along with the ability to apply commitment, hard work and dedication, to direct your choices and actions, you can thereby rewire your brain to work for you and with your true self. “

Actively focusing attention on developing new healthy brain circuits is achieved by having a clear sense of goals and values. It is one of the best ways to get the most out of our capacity to adapt and change at the level of the brain via the wonderful gift of neuroplasticity.

Ann C.Holm, MS ACC CCC. Ann is an ICF certified coach with a lifelong interest in brain science. For 25 years, she coached brain injured clients toward cognitive recovery with an emphasis toward optimal functioning in the community.

I’d like to try out a new game with you. I call it, “What’s My Perspective”. It’s a simple exercise for recognizing how the way we look at a situation influences our experience of it. I give you a scenario and you guess my point of view. Ready to play?

Okay, here you go:

I’m driving around and around the parking lot at Whole Foods and I finally have my eye on someone heading to their car. They are taking their sweet time, so I start checking my text and before I know it, in swoops another car to MY spot. I get mad. It’s too late to even honk my horn. I stew, I steam, I pout and drive around some more thinking, grrrr, arrrrggghh, why does this always happen to me? What’s my perspective?

Finally, I get into the store and they are out of the one thing I really had to get. Since I’m here anyway I pick up a few others items, a couple of apples, an avocado, some hummus, chocolate, a bottle of tea and head for the line. All of them are long, so I go to the express line, where there are only 4 people ahead of me. They are chatting each other up while I’m tapping my foot thinking about where I have to be in 10 minutes and looking at the clock wishing it would turn backwards just for me. Then the gal at the front starts arguing and fussing with the clerk because she wants to write a check. I think I’m going to pull my hair out. What’s my perspective?

Okay, so nobody died, no one got hurt and I get back to my car. As I open the door, I drop my bag of stuff, spilling it all on the ground, watching as my apples roll over the curb and my avocado turn into guacamole. Two young children, a boy and a girl, about 6 and 8, come rushing over, bending down with me, catching the apples from under the car wheels then looking at me with concern. The boy picks up my very sad looking avocado, hands it to me and we all start to laugh. What’s my perspective?

Bottom line? Everything involves choice. Some, we are more aware of than others, especially when it comes to things landing in to the  sh--t happens category. The good news is when things do, we can choose how we want to look at them. What perspective are we in? What point of view will serve us best as we go through the rest of our day? I don’t know about you, but getting pissed off, defeated, mad at myself and everyone else, doesn’t work out so well. But laughing at the absurdity of my own self-made misfortune feels a whole lot better. When I realign my point of view, I can see a bigger picture. Things aren't just happening to me and I have other choices available that look more inviting.

Some perspectives masquerade as long held beliefs and that's when it's really hard to tell the forest from the trees. Recognizing that you are even locked into a particular way of viewing things can be a challenge when it simply is your "truth". So try playing a game with it and see what you notice. What perspectives aren’t working for you? What is another one that would give you more of what you really want to experience? Now it’s your turn to play.

Imagine feeling heard, knowing someone was really listening and caring about what you had to say.

I volunteer with kids. I watch them as they bounce around, shouting over each other, hands waving in the air, just to share a thought or an impulse they can’t bear to hold back another second. It’s so natural, our instinct to be heard.

Being listened to is like oxygen. Life just isn’t the same without it. Our cells contract, we gasp and struggle until finally, we can take that deep breath and know with an ahh-haa, we've got the air we need. It’s the same feeling as knowing someone else gets us, that someone sees who we are and is paying attention to what we have to say.

I think of my little nephew, tugging on my sleeve, saying “Auntie Cynthia, Auntie Cynthia, I wanna tell you something”! There’s a thrill in listening to him make up a story, conjuring up heroes, great feats, and colorful surroundings. He tells me, “my sister Abbey and me went to the East Bay and had a picnic with some pirates and we stole their swords and jumped on some really big purple bird and flew all the way home”. He’s four years old and he knows he has something so important to share he can’t even sit still while saying it.

Is there something in you that's jumping up and down to be heard? What are you wanting to express? What would it feel like to have someone listen with curiosity and intent to whatever you have to share? I'd like to know, so I’m offering 30 minutes of free air time to listen to whatever you want to have heard. Do you know that guy on YouTube who goes around giving free hugs? I’m offering something similar–free listening sessions. There's no risk, no judgement, and no obligation. Or try it yourself by taking the time to really listen to someone else. See what you notice. To really hear what someone is saying, it takes being fully present in the moment. And that's just about as much of a gift, as being heard.

Happy Valentine’s Day after! What a great excuse to revel in love. All love, self-love, gay love, straight love, kinky love, friendship love and the universal love y’all, love. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about self-love. And no, I’m not talking about sitting around reading “Shades of Grey” in the bath or what ever else floats your boat in that department. I’m talking about the kind of self-love that wakes you up in the morning feeling excited to see who you get to be with others today. How do you get to experience yourself? What in you is clamoring for expression?

Seems most all of us got “a thing” we carry around like a little piece of stone chaffing at our heart. We were raised in this culture, in this particular time period, where in so many ways, we are still coming out of the dark ages of repression or the negation of self. Thinking about ones own family in the context of the social/historical continuum, it’s no freaking wonder we are challenged in varying degrees to accept ourselves as simply being, okay.  And the bottom of the bottom line of self-love is just that…feeling okay. And maybe even better than okay with who you are in THIS moment. Self-improvement may be a great goal to have, but what about right now?

That’s where the reveling comes in. Taking time to bask in the great after glow of the love fest Valentine’s Day represents (minus the Hallmark cards and romantic delusions). Where love is love and it’s all yours to experience. I picture my sweet pooch, rolling around on his back, totally happy to be his funny little dog self. How good it feels to be a dog! Nothing better than that! Did he have to do anything to deserve feeling loved? Nope, he just had to show up and be a dog. What if we didn’t have to do anything to feel loved besides simply being here?

Imagine celebrating yourself for no good reason other than there is no one else on this planet like you, with your special assortment of cells, experience, personality, gifts and abilities. Truly, there isn’t another one on this entire Earth just like you. What is it about you that makes you so uniquely you? If you’ve never written a love letter to yourself, I’d encourage you to try it on for size. Now. What would it feel like to leave off the judgments and have your self a little party? To get out the horns and whistles and blow them on your own behalf and revel in the noise you make? Hummm? Might be even better than chocolate. Just saying…